neologistic logorrhea

 

Not all synchronicities are positive. Do be careful. Sometimes they create major learning lessons. An example that many people experience is meeting or manifesting a lover by synchronicity, only to discover the person is wrong for them. Initially they think that the synchronistic experience, or person, represents the road they should take at that moment in time. This is not always the case. You can manifest negative people and situation, so take your time when you get caught up in synchronicity.

Seventh-House ARIES: You tend to favor a mate who is self-assured, decisive and capable of leading - -more or less 'taking charge' of the relationship. You prefer to be sought out rather than to seek out a partner. Drawn-out 'preliminaries' may try your patience somewhat. Basically, you believe in getting on with the pairing rather than waiting unduly for something to 'happen.' You are prone to an early-in-life marriage, and to forming another relationship right away if the former one ends, for whatever reason. Look out for prospective partners who attempt to rush things to the point you're uncomfortable. Be especially watchful for any indicators of "dormant" abusive tendencies. Don't ignore the potential negatives of a hair-triggered temper, or even a slight inclination to be verbally or physically abusive. Never lose control of your right for determining what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Consider the ramifications and inherent negatives if your potential mate seems unwilling to discuss their past, especially regarding close associations. Refuse to be pushed into a union you regard as less than aboveboard, or possibly even threatening.

Your universe is changing, Aquarius. This is an important time of reaching out to others in a new way. As you rethink your presence on the public stage in the light of recent developments in your conceptualization of the world around you, there is a dawning that is taking place deep within you and there is no turning back. Vision precedes action. You are in many ways acting on existing professional goals, only with a subtle twist to the inside, as you begin to recognize the vital importance of hidden parts of yourself for everything that you say and do. With Mercury Retrograde in your career sector for the last part of this month, you are spending this time in an important process of recovering these missing puzzle pieces and fitting them back into your existing picture of how you operate. As the month begins, you are philosophically inclined, working through a process of reassessment and coming to greater consciousness surrounding your actual working presence in the world. There is a powerful visionary presence implied by Mercury, newly entered into your career sector, in trine with numinous Neptune occupying your sector of resources and values. Your finances might be somewhat nebulous at this time, but you are the richer for it, in terms of self-appreciation and a thoughtful new take on what you are truly up to in this life. The configurations of this month are challenging but also rewarding, as you begin to get the broader picture of what is going on, both within and also outside of you. As difficult as it might be to initially imagine, everything that is happening to you these days is part of a larger theme of interconnection. In this potent monthly cycle, Uranus and Pluto in square make up only one piece of the story, since Saturn, Neptune and even Chiron are also powerfully activated. Your co-rulers, Saturn and Uranus, are occupying rather different sectors of your solar chart, with Saturn in your fame sector, which presages public recognition for outer world achievement, and with Uranus located in your communications sector, making written and spoken productions paramount as you go through the changes that you, along with everyone else, undoubtedly continue to experience. It is clarifying to share your thinking with others around you, or with yourself in the form of journaling. Pluto is located in your sector of dream imagination and inner work, normally Neptune's realm, and from that inner standpoint continues to wreck havoc with your normal conception of what goes on beneath the surface layers of your personality. As Freud and Jung famously discovered at the beginning of the previous century, what is below consciousness, and relatively inaccessible to it, is a vast and numinous arena that is far more central to the affairs of the outer world than we are normally able to admit with our logical minds. This month gives you a magnificent opportunity to transcend this boundary and enter into the richer and stranger world of your unconscious process. As you do you are still responding to the exigencies of the physical world, which, with Saturn so strongly configured, is also symbolically quite active. It is difficult to be able to focus on both ends of this dyad but not impossible. The retrograde of Mercury later in the month through your sector of outer world involvement speaks to this issue, of being simultaneously inner and outer directed. With Chiron in strong aspect to both Saturn and to Uranus, as Pluto aspects them both as well, you are also likely to have the opportunity for old trauma from the past to arise for the purpose of enabling you to find greater self-acceptance with regard to these ancient wounds. These likely stem from early childhood, when parental mis-direction or problems with peers caused you in painful reaction to bury part of yourself away into the unconscious, where these pieces of your personality could have become walled away from the surface layers of your personality. Any movement toward restoring your conscious awareness to these parts of yourself will be richly rewarded as your inner exploration continues, and will make that first important movement toward their healing.

It came-- the year anniversary of my dichotomy. My fragmentation. My nuclear explosion.
I woke up with sobs welling upward, grasping my throat in their hot fingers. Nine a.m.; I was sleeping on that day. The fool I slept beside in that tent must have been especially high from his 6 a.m. methadone shot. An orange drink in a dixie cup.
But I am writing about MY yesterday, not last year's yesterday.
My yesteday, I woke up to ominous billowing sobs, but I also woke up beside a man. Not a fool; a wise lover. Instead of the drug-induced monologues about mystical messages from God and the cryptic stories of faceless dream girls thought up during hallucination-states, the wise lover is a man of few words when it comes to expressing verbally what love he feels for me. 
Instead of torrents of confusing but urgent words-- I slowly unpeel my wise lover like a fruit one eats in a moment of solitary bliss. Each time a layer pulls back, the taste is sweeter. I am surprised. (Is there a word for "happily dumbfounded"?) I am so accustomed to fruits which are just barely edible on the outside; their insides full of rot and decay. I am so ACCUSTOMED to methodically desensitizing myself into states of denial; suspending disbelief when I don't want to see the ugliness of something that has wrapped itself so tightly around my spirit.

PTSD. 

Just today I caught myself thinking something silly but true. "Who the FUCK invented this thing, and have they been shot in the asshole yet?"
(Not talking about who technically coined the term. Come on, you know what I'm talking about.)

I've found that getting better is a much longer, slower process than I ever would have imagined. And that we all process it differently-- with similarities though, which is why it's a recognized mental illness. Brain injury, I prefer to call it. 


One cool thing I've found in my progress is that major improvements often come in the form of "epiphanies". I'll realize something, perhaps a new way of looking at things or a new coping mechanism, and BAM! I jump up one rung on the ladder of recovery. 
Sometimes I fall back down several at a time, but upward movement is always good. Always.

So here's something I just noticed: even though I have hyper-vigilance as a strong symptom (and thus do not like unnecessarily noisy environments, as they could be covering up noises that indicate a threat), putting on my headphones and blasting non-triggering music actually seems to help.
It forces me to hear something that comes from outside of my own head and focus on it. 

*Sigh*. Sometimes it's discouraging how my HUGE EPIPHANIES are things other people do without even thinking about them. 
But I remain hopeful.
 

"Never Go Back"

EVANESCENCE