neologistic logorrhea

Not all synchronicities are positive. Do be careful. Sometimes they create major learning lessons. An example that many people experience is meeting or manifesting a lover by synchronicity, only to discover the person is wrong for them. Initially they think that the synchronistic experience, or person, represents the road they should take at that moment in time. This is not always the case. You can manifest negative people and situation, so take your time when you get caught up in synchronicity.

Seventh-House ARIES: You tend to favor a mate who is self-assured, decisive and capable of leading - -more or less 'taking charge' of the relationship. You prefer to be sought out rather than to seek out a partner. Drawn-out 'preliminaries' may try your patience somewhat. Basically, you believe in getting on with the pairing rather than waiting unduly for something to 'happen.' You are prone to an early-in-life marriage, and to forming another relationship right away if the former one ends, for whatever reason. Look out for prospective partners who attempt to rush things to the point you're uncomfortable. Be especially watchful for any indicators of "dormant" abusive tendencies. Don't ignore the potential negatives of a hair-triggered temper, or even a slight inclination to be verbally or physically abusive. Never lose control of your right for determining what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Consider the ramifications and inherent negatives if your potential mate seems unwilling to discuss their past, especially regarding close associations. Refuse to be pushed into a union you regard as less than aboveboard, or possibly even threatening.

Your universe is changing, Aquarius. This is an important time of reaching out to others in a new way. As you rethink your presence on the public stage in the light of recent developments in your conceptualization of the world around you, there is a dawning that is taking place deep within you and there is no turning back. Vision precedes action. You are in many ways acting on existing professional goals, only with a subtle twist to the inside, as you begin to recognize the vital importance of hidden parts of yourself for everything that you say and do. With Mercury Retrograde in your career sector for the last part of this month, you are spending this time in an important process of recovering these missing puzzle pieces and fitting them back into your existing picture of how you operate. As the month begins, you are philosophically inclined, working through a process of reassessment and coming to greater consciousness surrounding your actual working presence in the world. There is a powerful visionary presence implied by Mercury, newly entered into your career sector, in trine with numinous Neptune occupying your sector of resources and values. Your finances might be somewhat nebulous at this time, but you are the richer for it, in terms of self-appreciation and a thoughtful new take on what you are truly up to in this life. The configurations of this month are challenging but also rewarding, as you begin to get the broader picture of what is going on, both within and also outside of you. As difficult as it might be to initially imagine, everything that is happening to you these days is part of a larger theme of interconnection. In this potent monthly cycle, Uranus and Pluto in square make up only one piece of the story, since Saturn, Neptune and even Chiron are also powerfully activated. Your co-rulers, Saturn and Uranus, are occupying rather different sectors of your solar chart, with Saturn in your fame sector, which presages public recognition for outer world achievement, and with Uranus located in your communications sector, making written and spoken productions paramount as you go through the changes that you, along with everyone else, undoubtedly continue to experience. It is clarifying to share your thinking with others around you, or with yourself in the form of journaling. Pluto is located in your sector of dream imagination and inner work, normally Neptune's realm, and from that inner standpoint continues to wreck havoc with your normal conception of what goes on beneath the surface layers of your personality. As Freud and Jung famously discovered at the beginning of the previous century, what is below consciousness, and relatively inaccessible to it, is a vast and numinous arena that is far more central to the affairs of the outer world than we are normally able to admit with our logical minds. This month gives you a magnificent opportunity to transcend this boundary and enter into the richer and stranger world of your unconscious process. As you do you are still responding to the exigencies of the physical world, which, with Saturn so strongly configured, is also symbolically quite active. It is difficult to be able to focus on both ends of this dyad but not impossible. The retrograde of Mercury later in the month through your sector of outer world involvement speaks to this issue, of being simultaneously inner and outer directed. With Chiron in strong aspect to both Saturn and to Uranus, as Pluto aspects them both as well, you are also likely to have the opportunity for old trauma from the past to arise for the purpose of enabling you to find greater self-acceptance with regard to these ancient wounds. These likely stem from early childhood, when parental mis-direction or problems with peers caused you in painful reaction to bury part of yourself away into the unconscious, where these pieces of your personality could have become walled away from the surface layers of your personality. Any movement toward restoring your conscious awareness to these parts of yourself will be richly rewarded as your inner exploration continues, and will make that first important movement toward their healing.

It came-- the year anniversary of my dichotomy. My fragmentation. My nuclear explosion.
I woke up with sobs welling upward, grasping my throat in their hot fingers. Nine a.m.; I was sleeping on that day. The fool I slept beside in that tent must have been especially high from his 6 a.m. methadone shot. An orange drink in a dixie cup.
But I am writing about MY yesterday, not last year's yesterday.
My yesteday, I woke up to ominous billowing sobs, but I also woke up beside a man. Not a fool; a wise lover. Instead of the drug-induced monologues about mystical messages from God and the cryptic stories of faceless dream girls thought up during hallucination-states, the wise lover is a man of few words when it comes to expressing verbally what love he feels for me. 
Instead of torrents of confusing but urgent words-- I slowly unpeel my wise lover like a fruit one eats in a moment of solitary bliss. Each time a layer pulls back, the taste is sweeter. I am surprised. (Is there a word for "happily dumbfounded"?) I am so accustomed to fruits which are just barely edible on the outside; their insides full of rot and decay. I am so ACCUSTOMED to methodically desensitizing myself into states of denial; suspending disbelief when I don't want to see the ugliness of something that has wrapped itself so tightly around my spirit.

PTSD. 

Just today I caught myself thinking something silly but true. "Who the FUCK invented this thing, and have they been shot in the asshole yet?"
(Not talking about who technically coined the term. Come on, you know what I'm talking about.)

I've found that getting better is a much longer, slower process than I ever would have imagined. And that we all process it differently-- with similarities though, which is why it's a recognized mental illness. Brain injury, I prefer to call it. 


One cool thing I've found in my progress is that major improvements often come in the form of "epiphanies". I'll realize something, perhaps a new way of looking at things or a new coping mechanism, and BAM! I jump up one rung on the ladder of recovery. 
Sometimes I fall back down several at a time, but upward movement is always good. Always.

So here's something I just noticed: even though I have hyper-vigilance as a strong symptom (and thus do not like unnecessarily noisy environments, as they could be covering up noises that indicate a threat), putting on my headphones and blasting non-triggering music actually seems to help.
It forces me to hear something that comes from outside of my own head and focus on it. 

*Sigh*. Sometimes it's discouraging how my HUGE EPIPHANIES are things other people do without even thinking about them. 
But I remain hopeful.
 

"Never Go Back"

EVANESCENCE

The Valley Advocate: The Public Humanist

 My husband is teaching a class called “Forbidden Fictions” this summer, to a self-selected group of high school almost-seniors. One of his first thoughts: “This might be the only opportunity I ever get to teach Lolita to high school students.”
He reread the book with far more discomfort this time around, for now he is the father of two 13-year-old girls. I noticed odd behavior when he took it out in public. He practically had to slip it inside a magazine or brown paper cover to read it in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. And the girls’ gymnastics gym, full of pre- and barely adolescent girls? No way. He sat in the car reading that night.
“Well, then,” I said, goading him as is my duty, “if it makes you this uncomfortable, why are you going to subject these poor young minds to it, traumatizing them forever?”
My sister supplied one answer as we stood around discussing the book over coffee on a sunny weekend morning. Wuthering Heights and Lolita were the first books she read, she said, that changed her “understanding of what literature is for or what is possible.” They expanded her ideas about “what might motivate me to read to something that goes beyond escape pleasure.”
(My other sister, telling me about a book she just read, said, “I haven’t loved a book so much since I read…Lolita!”)
My husband sent an email to a group of teacher and reader friends, asking for ideas about supplemental texts for the class, and one woman suggested he look at the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon, how the book began online in an arena in which people often don’t censor themselves at all. The point is a good one—what does censorship, what does “forbidden” mean in a world in which we have direct access to the sordid contents of each other’s minds from the comfort of our homes? “But,” I howled in dismay, “you can’t teach 50 Shades—it’s not literature!” Maybe the subject matter is risqué—so what? If you enjoy redundant writing, and get a thrill following the jolly antics of a woman who screams “Holy cow!” whenever what’s-his-name tightens the handcuffs, then you go, girl, or boy, but I’m pretty sure this is reading for “escape pleasure.”
Does this sound snobbish? I don’t think so. Genre fiction can get us through hard times, and so can pop music, but we’re talking a literature class here, a bunch of bright kids preparing themselves for the rigors of college reading, not the reading they’ll do on the weekends to put all thoughts of their gimlet-eyed English teacher out of their minds. If they can crack Lolita, if they can extract even a portion of its juice, if they can broaden their understanding of what literature is for, they’ll be closer to ready—not just for college lit classes, but, as my sister says, “for the actual shades of grey that a full rich life must be lived in.”
Lolita starts with language so poetic, so unusual, that even once you know of what, and of whom, our unreliable narrator Humbert Humbert speaks, the words still dance around in your head like a refrain, still beg to be spoken, to spill from your tongue as the syllables of his beloved’s nickname slip from Humbert’s: “Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.” Nabokov, in the voice of Humbert, seduces us with that language, draws us in, and in so doing makes us wonder if we are complicit in Humbert’s deeds. Our percolating discomfort lets us know his actions are wrong, wrong, wrong, but it’s hard not to feel sympathy for the devil. He’s pulled us inside his head. We feel his pain. Should we believe him? And the language is so gorgeous. We’re squirming not just in distaste, in revulsion at Humbert’s actions, but in delight, in awe at what that clever bastard Nabokov can do with language, at his power over words and through them his power over us. If we feel that thrill, that pressing desire to read on, then are we partly to blame for what happens?
If you want to be made even more uncomfortable, listen to Jeremy Irons read Lolita aloud, or read it when you have adolescent daughters—or, perhaps, read it in Tehran. But read it. Read it to understand how writing can be so powerful that people fear it, governments fear it, religions fear it. Read it to understand the possibilities inherent in literature, and to be grateful that, for the most part, we are free to read what we wish, from oft-banned books to forbidden fictions.

𝔼ℝℤ𝕌𝕃𝕀𝔼 𝔻𝔸ℕ𝕋𝕆ℝ, 𝔽𝕀𝔼ℝℂ𝔼 𝔻𝔼𝔽𝔼ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ 𝕆𝔽 𝕎𝕆𝕄𝔼ℕ 𝔸ℕ𝔻 ℂℍ𝕀𝕃𝔻ℝ𝔼ℕ

In the Voodoo Pantheon, there is an important group of female loa (goddesses)whose first name is Erzulie. While all of them share in their role as Goddess of love, art, and sex, each has additional areas of life which is theirs to defend and assist. Erzulie Dantor is a mulatto woman who is often portrayed as the Black Madonna, or the Roman Catholic "Saint Barbara Africana". She has tribal scars on her cheek, and is considered heterosexual because she has children, but she is also the patron loa of lesbian women. Thus, she loves women fiercely, and will defend them to the death. She loves knives and is considered the protector of newly consecrated Voodoo priests and priestesses, as well as of women and children who are victims of domestic violence, and women who have been betrayed by a lover. She is highly respected and much feared due to her Woman Power. Most Haitian women serve Dantor, as do many men who honor and respect women. Erzulie Dantor is also the patron loa of New Orleans and so she is served by many there as well. She supports independent business women and is the patron of women's finances. Many women invoke Erzulie Dantor against their partners (male or female) should they become violent. And enlightened men also serve Dantor, especially men who honor, love and respect women.
Erzulie's personal story is a tragedy. She was a warrioress who fought with her people during the Haitian revolution. However, her own people cut out her tongue so that she would not tell their secrets should she be captured. Thus, she is mute and can only speak a stammering monosyllable, "ke-ke-ke-ke-ke!" This is the sound of her tongue clicking on the roof of her mouth. She is often pictured with her daughter Anais, who serves as her translator and interpreter. 

Indestructible

𝕰𝖗𝖟𝖚𝖑𝖎𝖊 𝕯𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖔𝖗 embodies the feminine. She is beautiful in appearance and loves silver chains and silver jewelry in general. She also loves Creme de Cacao, black female pigs, Reve d'Or perfume, and knives of all sorts - especially daggers.
Erzulie Dantor is the kind of loa you don't want to piss off. Her love of knives and virtual indestructibility precedes her and her character is recognized in traditional Voodoo songs. Here, one song about Dantor describes her love of knives and her indestructibility:
Set kout kouto, set kout pwenya,
Prete m dedin a pou m al vomi sang mwen,
Set kout kouto, set kout pwenya,
Prete m dedin a pou m al vomi sang mwen,
Sang mwen ape koule.
Seven stabs of the knife, seven stabs of the dagger,
Lend me the basin so I can vomit my blood,
Seven stabs of the knife, seven stabs of the dagger,
Lend me the basin so I can vomit my blood,
My blood is pouring down.
Now, at the surface this is a graphic, repulsive song. However, it illustrates the fortitude Erzulie possesses; to be able to sustain seven stab wounds, throw up blood in a sink, and still carry on. It is also reflective of the reality of the lives of so many women who live through the traumatic experience of abuse. Despite the abuse, the power of Woman Spirit is such that we carry on. Sometimes we carry on as victims, other times as survivors. Let their be no mistake, Erzulie Dantor is not a victim; she is the personification of Woman Power, which is why she is so feared.

Reve d'Or , Erzulie's Favorite Perfume 

She'll Vomit Blood All Over You

Okay, in case you are thinking my illustration of Dantor's Woman Power is lacking, consider this song:
Jou ma' koule
Jou ma' koule
Jou ma' koule
Map vomi sang mwen bay yo
English:
The day I am run down
The day I am run down
The day I am run down
I will vomit my blood and give it to them
In other words, even if you make me bleed, I will bleed my blood all over you! Now this is attitude, folks! Indeed, Erzulie Dantor is classified as a hot spirit and sometimes likened to a djab (devil-like), similar to any woman referred to as a "bitch" because they are assertive, independent, and strong.
In Voodoo ceremonies, the loas will often make an appearance by possessing one of the participants, a phenomenon referred to as "mounting the head". When Dantor mounts someone, she will sometimes vomit blood. This is a sure sign that she has arrived. However, if Dantor throws up blood in a basin and hands it to someone, this is not a good thing. On the contrary, it is a clear indication that Dantor is pissed off at the individual and will punish him or her. You don't want to experience the wrath of Dantor! She has been known to be a very destructive spirit and is associated with heavy rains and hurricanes that destroy everything in its wake.

Erzulie Dantor as Saint Barbara Africana

Dantor is served with the image of Santa Barabara Africana, also known as Mater Salvatoris. She is associated with other Madonnas who hold a child such as Our Lady of Mount Carmel, Our Lady of Czestochowa, Our Lady of Lourdes, and the Patron Saint of New Orleans, Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

Tribal Scars

Scars can be seen on the face of Saint Barbara Africana images. The marks are often called "twa mak" or three marks, even though there are generally only two shown. I reflect these scars of oral tradition on my Voodoo dolls. You can see the scars in the close-up photograph of Dantor.
There is a story of violence that is at the origin of Dantor's facial scars. However, facial scarring is commonly found among some African groups and so they also point to Dantor's African roots.

More than Sibling Rivalry

As I mentioned at the top of the lens, there is a powerful group of loa that go by the name of Erzulie. Among them is Erzulie Freda Dahomey, who is one of Dantor's sisters. They apparently hate each other; a hatred thought to be fueled by jealousy. According to legend, Dantor and Freda both loved a particular Ogou loa. They engaged in an all-out cat fight over him, which took a very violent turn. Dantor was so pissed off she took her dagger and stabbed Freda in the heart. Freda took out the knife and sliced Dantor in the face a few times. This story is reflected in Freda's saint image where a gold knife is seen coming out of her heart, and is Dantor's saint image which has scars on her face.

 

epiphanic (a poem about PTSD)

I was feeling low  and talking to my bro
and I'm tellin' him about how
when I first got here, I was 
combing the basement floor
looking for dropped nugs amongst
the cockroaches and mouse
turds
bug carcasses
lead paint chips

and as I sparked up my very
sentimental bowl of some
very sentimental resin
I felt a thrill of euphoric contentment
rush through my entire 
body.

It was something I haven't felt
in so long

not since the first few weeks after it happened
when I didn't realize I was in shock
and hadn't even processed the event and
what had happened to me
and what it meant
But  soon, 
I started to slip.
My childlike giddiness faded away;
the pillars of denial I was leaning myself upon
began to shake and give way
and a sick psychosis set in.
I began to play games
like 
russian roulette with paint cans and steak knives
and the burning ends of 
countless cigarettes.

Soon 
the countless cigarettes became tools 
and my flesh a canvas
marking days
weeks
forming lines upon lines upon lines
of round scars.

And then
the tears I hadn't cried yet
the agony I hadn't felt yet
the paralyzing fear upon realizing the gravity of the 
"event" -- 
all began to break loose.
My nights were filled with screams,
sobbing, pounding on the concrete floor
and no one ever heard them
no one ever saw
how these demons would torture my body and mind
as soon as the sun began to set
every
single 
day.



Today, I am haunted 
with images
of the slow decay
of my core; my very being.

At every stage of this thing
that has been given a name:
Post-traumatic stress disorder
,
a new fragment of person emerged
and the task at hand, now,
is to "integrate".
Somehow
I am supposed to take all of these
shards of girls 
who used to be parts of one ME
but have each grown into their own beings...
glue them together
and be fixed. 
But 
I wonder: won't I just be a monstrous fabrication
a bastardization 
of a person
like an Elephant Man
but instead of flesh,
there will be shards of girls
sticking out all over the place
?

My epiphanic moment has perhaps passed
but it happened.

I need to remember it, forever. 

"I just wanted to be drunk, stoned... fucking, on stage... I think underneath it all, it's just being alive-- or being dead or whatever, that counts. And it doesn't really matter which one it is. It's whatever comes first if you know what I'm talking about. 'Cuz I sure as fuck don't."

"I could say I'd like to be rich and famous and all that but I don't give a fuck anymore... I've been on the brink of that shit so many times, up and down, in and out. People keep thinking they've discovered me, and once they get me they can't figure out what the fuck to do with me and they throw me out-- back into where i was before, so. I just enjoy the ride while it's happening."

"I don't think I know what now is."

"I think now of just the immediate future. It's moment to moment. I could drop dead any moment; I wouldn't give a goddamn flying damn. Several times I've been attacked in my life... I've been in bad situations sexually. I've just gone other places while they're doing things with my body. If I'm still alive I continue on. What's the difference if somebody rapes your mind your spirit or your body, or just rips your life out and throws it in the garbage can? It's all the same. The worst thing is not being able to write a song. Not to be able to feel alive... and I usually feel alive..."

"I've been dead! No one bothered to tell my corpse that it should stop walking around."

 

And here's the movie!
 
 ONCE & FUTURE QUEEN a film by Todd Verow starring Philly. Music by Eager Meat, Colin Owens and Will Botten aka Bluecat. This is the COMPLETE MOVIE. This film was made in 1999 and the copyright is owned by Todd Verow and Bangorfilms.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon

"Self-medication with illicit drugs is frequently counterproductive: while licit anti-depressant meds start off with side effects and build up to desirable effects, the substances of abuse usually start with desirable effects and build up to side effects."
Andrew Solomon

"Regular use of cocaine or amphetamines may do permanent damage to the dopamine systems if the brain, giving one a permanent psychological depressed baseline."
Andrew Solomon

"Opiates... are to the mind what the fetal position is to the body."
Andrew Solomon

"On ecstasy: The drug essentially causes an explosion of serotonin and dopamine, releasing big stores of these substances and then damaging the cells where they were stored. Furthermore, it prevents the synthesis of serotonin."
Andrew Solomon

It was Henry Maudsley who first described a melancholy that recognizes but cannot resolve itself. "It is not unnatural to weep"; Maudsley commented. "But it is not natural to burst into tears because a fly settles on the forehead,"... It is as if a veil were let down between him and objects. And truly no thicker veil could well be interposed between him and them than that of paralyzed interest. His state is to himself bewildering and inexplicable..." There is no real derangement of the mind; there is only a profound path of mind paralyzing its functions. "Nevertheless, they are attended with worse suffering than actual madness is, because the mind being whole enough feel and perceive an its object state, they are more likely to end in suicide."

Things I Know To Be True About Myself 

Hello, let me introduce you to myself. I am Megan. Although I haven't always thought so, I deserve a name like every other human being has. 

Let me tell you some things about Megan that are absolute truths.