neologistic logorrhea

"I just wanted to be drunk, stoned... fucking, on stage... I think underneath it all, it's just being alive-- or being dead or whatever, that counts. And it doesn't really matter which one it is. It's whatever comes first if you know what I'm talking about. 'Cuz I sure as fuck don't."

"I could say I'd like to be rich and famous and all that but I don't give a fuck anymore... I've been on the brink of that shit so many times, up and down, in and out. People keep thinking they've discovered me, and once they get me they can't figure out what the fuck to do with me and they throw me out-- back into where i was before, so. I just enjoy the ride while it's happening."

"I don't think I know what now is."

"I think now of just the immediate future. It's moment to moment. I could drop dead any moment; I wouldn't give a goddamn flying damn. Several times I've been attacked in my life... I've been in bad situations sexually. I've just gone other places while they're doing things with my body. If I'm still alive I continue on. What's the difference if somebody rapes your mind your spirit or your body, or just rips your life out and throws it in the garbage can? It's all the same. The worst thing is not being able to write a song. Not to be able to feel alive... and I usually feel alive..."

"I've been dead! No one bothered to tell my corpse that it should stop walking around."

"Self-medication with illicit drugs is frequently counterproductive: while licit anti-depressant meds start off with side effects and build up to desirable effects, the substances of abuse usually start with desirable effects and build up to side effects."
Andrew Solomon

"Regular use of cocaine or amphetamines may do permanent damage to the dopamine systems if the brain, giving one a permanent psychological depressed baseline."
Andrew Solomon

"Opiates... are to the mind what the fetal position is to the body."
Andrew Solomon

"On ecstasy: The drug essentially causes an explosion of serotonin and dopamine, releasing big stores of these substances and then damaging the cells where they were stored. Furthermore, it prevents the synthesis of serotonin."
Andrew Solomon

It was Henry Maudsley who first described a melancholy that recognizes but cannot resolve itself. "It is not unnatural to weep"; Maudsley commented. "But it is not natural to burst into tears because a fly settles on the forehead,"... It is as if a veil were let down between him and objects. And truly no thicker veil could well be interposed between him and them than that of paralyzed interest. His state is to himself bewildering and inexplicable..." There is no real derangement of the mind; there is only a profound path of mind paralyzing its functions. "Nevertheless, they are attended with worse suffering than actual madness is, because the mind being whole enough feel and perceive an its object state, they are more likely to end in suicide."

Things I Know To Be True About Myself 

Megan is also not dangerous, not a criminal, and not even a "ticking time bomb" of uncontrolled mental illness just waiting to have a psychotic episode if the breeze hits her face funny.

 
Megan is socially adept; she knows how to make people feel comfortable (or uncomfortable, which she uses strictly for purposes of fun and amusement). 
 
Megan obliterates the concept of "awkward". 
 
Megan has had a series of very heavy, scary things happen to her.

The Megan you meet now is unemployed and living with her parents (at 27 years old)-- but make no mistake. Megan has been a responsible adult and will return to being so as she recovers. Megan has been a wife, a nanny, a student, a full-time part of the workforce, a taxpayer, bill-payer, homemaker, et cetera. 
 
Megan may seem like a slacker, a loser, an ambitionless waste of life. But this is only temporary. If you cannot take the time to get to know the entire Megan, but you will take the time to pass judgement on Megan, then she wants NOTHING to do with you.  

 
Megan has thrown successful small parties before, even. 
 
Megan is NOT a "psycho chick"-- she has some mental health issues, but she never allows them to spill out onto other people, because she cares very much about others and does not want scare them (unless she hates them). 
 
Megan's "psychosis" is something that never even presents itself in front of people, when Megan is being Megan. Megan knows she cannot hide her telltale scars, so she embraces and jokes about her issues in ways that make people feel like she is just an oddball with many quirks... 
 
Because Megan is quirky. This is one thing she loves about herself, whether you do or not. 
 
Megan is not crazy.
 
Megan is VERY open and is willing to share even her most painful stories, if she feels doing so might possibly help someone else who is struggling with similar issues. 
 
Megan is okay with the fact that she's a chronic over-sharer, because she notices that when she over-shares (not about serious/bad stuff, just about random thoughts and daily events), interesting conversation happens. Others open up then, and feel comfortable sharing things they might otherwise keep quiet about for fear of being "boring"-- because Megan does not LET "boring" happen. 
 
Megan likes to elevate conversations into the mode of stream-of-consciousness. 
 
Megan loves it when people are feeling open and uninhibited enough to just randomly burst into song, or dramatically reenact a scene from a Disney movie, or drop the f bomb 27 times in under a minute, etc. 
 
Megan fills awkward silence.
 
Megan is a worthwhile human being. 

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